You never forget such a dream–a dream where Jesus lifts you, puts you in His pocket. So warm. Safe. Loved. Light shining through white softness, close there to His heart. It was that dream that I thought of over the weekend, when after one adoption delay and hurdle after another, our entire dossier went missing in the mail. Though in my grief I had been tempted to run, instead, my fingers clenched to the clean, white softness of His robe. I let my tears fall and soak up there, knowing He would count every one. And there at His feet I lay, knowing there was nowhere else to go—nowhere else I would want to go—determined to stay there, until I got some answer.
And I have to tell you, that no matter what is happening in your life, there is no better place to be. What sweet sorrow, feeling our hurt, our confusion, the longing of our bones . . . Yet knowing He knows it all, and sympathizes with us in our weakness, and that even though we cannot see it, He is working it all for our good. Even if the end result is the opposite of what we have prayed for, it is for His glory and for our eternal good.
Imperfectly, I wrestled, pleaded, waited . . . Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday . . . I had waited over forty years for a baby daughter. What was another few months to make up the paperwork we had lost? To me, it felt like a very lot. I couldn’t bear to look at the children’s photos. and though the temptation had been to let my heart grow cold toward Him–when all my prayers for speed, and blessing, and favor seemed for naught–I determined to press in, press closer, wait there.
“Let us hold firmly to what we profess.
For we do not have a high priest who is unable
to sympathize with our weaknesses,
but we have one who was tempted in every way that we are,
yet was without sin.
Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence,
so that we may receive mercy and find grace
to help us in our time of need .”
~Hebrews 4:14-16 BSB
Things were sent to me to help me. A book—The Practice of the Presence of God, by Brother Lawrence. I listened to it all. A hymn—”I’d rather have Jesus.” I listened to that, too. I listened, and I re-listened, and I sang aloud. And I felt then, His nearness. His love. The awesomeness of His power. The closeness of eternity.
And Monday came, and I went about the busyness of my day, carrying on with organizing our home in preparation for the children’s arrival. Homeschooling my boys, believing there would yet be an adoption to carry us overseas during the coming school year. In the afternoon, I went to the grocery store for a few items for dinner. Sitting there in the steaming heat of my car, I checked my phone and found an email from the agency—the dossier had been located!




I tried to comprehend how. The Post Office claimed the dossier had been left outside the agency, which is situated in an inner-city area, the previous Wednesday. The agency had searched for, and been unable to find it. Five days had passed. Suddenly, the dossier was discovered outside, right where the post office said it should be. A miracle.
I sat in my car and cried, tears pouring down—this time because that which was lost had been found. And because God had shown His goodness and His mercy and His power.
And so now our adoption is up and running again—we might even get to see the kids this autumn! But I can tell you, with all honesty, that I am glad those papers went missing. I am glad for the pain I was allowed to feel. Without that despair, I would not have turned so desperately, so passionately to my Creator. I would not have experience the sweetness of being so wholly in His presence, or resting there at His feet. I pray I may always feel as close to Him as I do today. That I may always trust Him, even when things aren’t going my way. Because He is trustworthy. He is gracious. He is good. He is wise. He is love. And why, oh, why, would I run away from that?
“The difficulties of life do not have to be unbearable.
It is the way we look at them – through faith or unbelief – that makes them seem so. We must be convinced that our Father is full of love for us and that He only permits trials to come our way for our own good.
Let us occupy ourselves entirely in knowing God. The more we know Him, the more we will desire to know Him. As love increases with knowledge, the more we know God, the more we will truly love Him. We will learn to love Him equally
in times of distress or in times of great joy.”
― Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God
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