happy little sigh

If you’re alive in America today, you’re probably acquainted with the Lindsay Clancy trial. Lindsay admitted to brutally murdering her three young children one by one, beginning with the oldest, though the defense argued that the murders were a result of Lindsay having post-partum psychosis. I’m not here to debate whether or not she should be held criminally responsible. You can interact with keyboard detectives in plenty of other places if you’re interested in that. My concern goes far beyond this particular case (though this particular case is a concern—three young children lost their lives). What also troubles me is the response so many women have had to the crime–their primary sympathy lies not with the true victims, but with the one who committed the murders. Women across the Internet and outside the courthouse proclaiming, “I stand with Lindsay,” and “Me too, Lindsay.” Women filming themselves flicking water at their babies’ faces and using a doll to mimic dropping their children down the stairs. Women on Oprah saying that they hope if minority women do the same thing, that they will receive equal support (the mother, not the children). Women suggesting that murdering your children is understandable if your hormones really are pretty bad. We seem to have forgotten that we can have sympathy or compassion while still demanding justice. God help us.

What have women in the West become? On the one hand, for those concerned about women’s rights, I wonder that they don’t realize how this kind of behavior undoes hundreds of years of struggle—regressing us to the days when women were lobotomized and thrown into insane asylums for “female hysteria.” Now we’re going back to, “I couldn’t help harming my child—my hormones made me do it”? How can we be taken seriously if we’re going to use that argument? And how can we then go on to argue against a man blaming his testosterone for all sorts of heinous acts? We can’t. Not rationally.

On the other hand, this is a natural progression in our society’s loss of belief in the sacredness of life. This is most apparent in our abortion culture, where the limit for killing a child for “the welfare of the mother” edged ever closer to full-term, which is where we are today. We even debate about whether an abortion survivor should be kept alive. In Canada, a mother who murders her baby of up to one year “when childbirth or lactation has “disturbed her mind” faces a maximum sentence of only five years in prison. The next logical step is to minimize the worth of the lives of toddlers and children.

The “Wine Mommy Culture” is an offshoot of this disdain for children, where mothers joke about needing wine just to get through a day with their kids—as if motherhood is something we need to numb our minds against in order to survive. I’m not talking about joking about diaper explosions or stepping on LEGO—a little mom-humor goes a long way in relieving stress! I’m talking about the Wine Mommy Culture where women think it’s funny to joke about what grasping little brats their children are—how they’ve inconvenienced them and keep them from the life they deserve.

Many married couples are choosing not to have children at all. Not from infertility, not because of some other worthy calling, but because they want to spend their lives having fun. They are choosing instead to become dog-parents. You can, after all, shut up your dog in a kennel if you don’t want to deal with them, and can legally give them away if they stop meeting your needs and bringing you joy. That makes sense. ALL of this makes sense with the extreme love of self that has taken hold of society. I’m glad that some of those people have chosen not to have children. Their selfishness wouldn’t make them good parents. But it’s sad for our society. Sad because children are the greatest of blessings we can receive on earth, apart from a good spouse and knowing Christ. Motherhood and the family were once celebrated and revered, and research shows us that women were happier in those days! God’s word says,

“For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. -2 Timothy 3:2

I’m not saying motherhood isn’t hard. It is. I’ve birthed four, adopted one with special needs, and next month I’m bringing home three more. Not because it was easy it’s been so easy for me. I have sat hunched over a newborn at 2AM, crying as I feed them from cracked, bleeding nipples. I’ve been so tired I could do nothing but collapse in a heap and weep. I have anxiously Googled remedies and fretted over hundreds of concerns for my children. I have lain awake waiting for a teenager to come home. I have held a screaming, thrashing teenage girl who’s trying to make sense of her world. No, I never had a diagnosis of postpartum psychosis, but I have known my share of mama-hard. Why so many children then, when it’s hard? Because they have been my and my husband’s greatest joy, and raising and loving them has been our greatest honor. Because being selfish doesn’t make us happy in the end, but living for and submitting ourselves to something greater brings more joy than I can express.

“Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him.” -Psalm 127:3

Women can do hard things, physically and mentally. Men may shed their blood in war. But it’s the women who during those same battles find a corner in the din to nourish their babies with their own bodies. I can’t help but think of women through the ages, who in the most extreme of circumstances, gave their all—even their own lives—for their children. Women of the early church, who nursed their babies even as they ran from the murderous emperor Nero, who was determined to snuff out the Christians. The women of medieval times, who gave their last crumb so their children could survive the upheaval of war. Women on the Mayflower, who cared for their children on leaky ship for months, putting their unknown future into God’s hands. The pioneer women, who hunted, foraged, fought for the sakes of their children. The women of the Holocaust, who did everything imaginable to keep their children alive. If anyone had an excuse for having a victim mentality and throwing their children aside to save themselves, it would have been these women. But instead, their sacrificial love put their children first, and for that they are honored, talked about, and imitated to this day.

So many great men and women owe their greatness to the love, care, wisdom, and sacrifice of their mothers. People like St. Augustine, Abraham Lincoln, D.L. Moody, Susanna Wesley, Constantine, and Louisa May Alcott all attribute who they became to their mothers. These were brave mothers. Unselfish mothers. Mothers who didn’t make excuses or think of their own happiness above their children’s. How might these people have turned out if their mothers had seen their children as an annoyance or a burden, instead of taking on the great heartfelt endeavor of raising them well? The world would have been deprived of some of the best.

This is my call to us all, we women of the West—especially those of us who claim Christ. We need to stand against this devaluing of the lives of the helpless, whether they are children, the disabled, or the elderly. Let’s stop the victim mentality, stop excusing our bad behavior, and step up. We need to hold ourselves and each other to a higher standard—not in judgment of each other. Not in looking down our noses at each other. But by inspiring each other and pointing each other toward greatness—toward Christlikeness. By helping one another to better love our husbands and children, as the Bible tells us to do. By encouraging each other to stop living for our own flesh and start living for the Lord.

I’m not saying, if you’re suffering then just ignore your own needs, buck up, and go on without getting help. Approximately 0.1-0.2% of women do receive the diagnosis of post-partum psychosis, with symptoms usually appearing 1-2 weeks after delivery. If you or someone you know falls into that category, and you do find yourself considering violence toward yourself or your child, then please–do not turn away help, and put your children in a safe location until you are 100% sure that you can care for them safely. If you are suffering with mental illness, or chronic illness, or are in a dangerous place, take time each day to work on healing and putting yourself in a better place. That is not selfish—you do matter! And being healthy enables us to do so much more for God and our families.

I am so thankful that the Scriptures acknowledges real suffering and injustice. The Bible tells us, “Cast all your cares upon [God], because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7). Our deepest healing mentally and emotionally is done in conjunction with a closer walk with God, who brings joy to our hearts and puts even the deepest suffering into eternal perspective. But also, the Bible tells us that in this world, we WILL have trouble (John 16:33), and even in our weakness and sickness, we can still bless our families and bring glory to God. This brings to mind another great woman, Joni Eareckson Tada, who has spent her entire adult life paralyzed from the neck down. Yet with her art, music, books, speaking–and most of all with her patience, wisdom, and joy in the Lord, she has been a blessing to many. Being in a hard spot is not an excuse for sin. The Bible consistently calls individuals to personal accountability rather than permanent helplessness. It’s hard to hold on to a permanent victim mentality, which so often is used as an excuse for bad or selfish behavior, when we are filled with a spirit of thankfulness and joy that comes from closeness and obedience to Christ.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” – Galatians 5:22

Contrast this to someone who is not living according to God’s ways, but is living for themselves . . .

“When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.” – Galatians 5:19-21

We might say, what about the people who have wronged me? Aren’t they partly responsible? Yes, health care workers, and teachers, and husbands, and friends and family members–actually, in any role we have–we all have a responsibility to care for others the best that we can. But no one can stand before God for the choices we make—even in the direst circumstances—but ourselves.

I’m not calling for perfection—that’s not possible. God knows each of our stories, all of our hurts and histories, and He will meet us and strengthen, heal, and equip each of us in a personal way. Progress will look different for each of us. But that does not mean we can’t make progress, moving ever closer to the likeness of our God.

Let us not be women who guide their lives by their own comfort, pleasure, and fulfillment. Who are addicted to wine, addicted to pleasure, materialistic, and trapped in a victim-mentality.  

Instead, let us strive to be the St. Monicas, the Nancy Lincolns, the Betsy Moodys, the Helenas, and the other women who are remembered today for their prayers and faithfulness, even in the hardest of times. To be women who are focused on bringing glory to God. On loving our children and husbands well. On caring for our homes well. On standing for truth and righteousness. On moving ever closer to a likeness of our Savior. Women of integrity. Humility. Joy. Strength. Peace. Perseverance. Love. It may seem impossible, but we women are strong—and in Christ, who is our strength in weakness, we can do all things! (2 Corinthians 12:10). Let us live so that when our children are grown, or when we come to the end of our lives, it is said of us,

“Many daughters have done noble things, but you surpass them all!” -Proverbs 31:29

Avonlea xo

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